1960 No.14
This text isn’t clearly dedicated to photography, but describes certain quite serious health phenomenon which has a strong influence on me as a photographer and my general functioning as a person. I also would like to highlight that I’m writing about personal experience, which is totally different for each patient.
Migraine remains one of those secret illnesses, which were described in the ancient times already, but still remain undeveloped and unsolved. Sometimes I think that the myth about the birth of Athena, the Greek goddess of knowledge who was born from the Zeus’ headaches, is the story of migraine. The list of famous sufferers (including Julius Caesar, Sigmund Freud, Nietzsche, Virginia Woolf…) can lift up one’s ego, but as long as scientists haven’t found the real link between suffering from migraines and being an outstanding genius at the particular field, I wouldn’t go this way too far. However, I always like to have something in common with Virginia Woolf ;-)
On the beginning I would like to separate ‘headache’ from ‘migraine’. Headache is just a pain felt in some areas of head. Migraine involves a strong headache, but it gives also a complex of different symptomes, especially a migraine with aura (here, my case), which is much more complex neurological phenomenon.
White center 1950
Beginnings
I started to suffer from serious headaches when I was maybe twelve, on the beginning of lower-secondary school, but it could be earlier. I cannot point out the moment when these strong headaches turned into migraines with aura, but for sure it happened during my teenage years. My mother sometimes suffers from strong headaches, she says that quite rarely they turn into migraines; her sister claims that she has experienced migraines only few times in her life. Their blessed memory mother was a serious headache and migraine sufferer and I remember she was taking few basic headache pills every day to prevent possible attacks. The family legend says that her mother has experienced extreme migraines which disappeared only during her pregnancies (what is probably connected with the level of hormones).
(My) Triggers
weather and atmospheric pressure changes (I might feel them even 2 days before anything might be seen…);
problems with insulin level regulation; when the sugar level in my blood has too much fun and jumps, it will probably end badly;
they are sometimes connected with my cycle;
stress (stress, stress. In the most extreme period of my life, I was out of life 2-3 days per a week)
Usually I got some signals before attack itself, sometimes even one or two days before. On the beginning I might feel nausea, restlessness and have some difficulties with focusing on particular thing. Sometimes few hours before the attack itself I might see everything in a slow motion, light and sounds give me pain, I might have difficulties with speaking. I simply know it’s the time to go to bed and possibly cancel plans, hoping that people around will understand.
Untitled 1968
The attack
When I stay in silence and darkness, mostly I fall asleep, however, this kind of sleep is absolutely different than a ‘normal’ sleep. Despite of pain itself, which sometimes appears just in one point of my skull, sometimes takes both sides of head, I might experience some states of ‘losing consciousness’; I close my eyes ‘for 5 minutes’ and open it 4 hours later to see all unanswered emails and messages. In a meanwhile I don’t hear phone calls or emails and everything is like over glass. I’m extremely weak, I feel nausea and quite often I sweat like I’d have a fever. At the same time I experience very strong dreams, I joke that some people take lsd to experience visions, I don’t need that. Before one doctor prescribed me naratriptan for the first time (this one from the group of triptans work the best for me), I’ve been taking horse amounts of prescribed painkillers. Such attack might be relatively short and light, let’s say few hours (up half a day) or in extreme cases up to 48 hours (happened once in my life).
Untitled 1967
After attack
This is going to be the weirdest part. Be ready ;-)
The pain is over, but not only. The areas on my head, where I felt migraine pain (‘inside’ my head), become like painful bruises, so I can compare it tho the feeling as someone would hit me using a heavy tool. I might feel the pain of bones on my face or a pain of my skull as well, but I might compare this kind of pain to the feeling experienced after being hit physically. What concerns non physical symptoms, I’d describe it as a state of an absolute clarity of mind, my thoughts become as clear as the air after the serious storm. Quite often I experience high creativity or I find the answers for issues that have bothered me since certain time or I feel I’m ready to make decisions which took me days or weeks. Also it’s the moment when I experience very high sensuality, I have the feeling that I see much more colors than usually and they’re sharpened, also my skin is much more sensitive than usual. And, last but not least, I’m very, very physically tired. After taking a long shower, using delicate perfumes and making myself again looking as an useful member of society, I usually stay up few hours and I need to go again to bed to have a rest, cause I feel physically exhausted.
Untitled
Summarize
For someone who doesn’t experience migraines, that’s all can sound at least scary and personally I admit that regardless of all disadvantages connected with suffering and cancelling life, in a certain way it’s fascinating what happens with my body and brain.
Migraines are one of the reasons why I need to work according to my own clock and sometimes I just have to cancel life and stay in bed. I can do and I try to do many things to avoid possible attacks, but sometimes it’s impossible; I simply need to stay in silence and darkness, otherwise I suffer more than needed and I’m useless for my surrounding anyway.
But it’s just the part of me and I simply believe it’s better to talk about and share awareness, cause it’s much more than ‘just a headache’.
Rothko Chapel (Houston, Texas)
*PS. Rothko is one of my favourite painters; one of my life plans was writing PhD in Israel dedicated to his works. I was accepted for a program, I got scholarship… but it seemed that there was a different plan for my life. Anyway, I felt that his works of art are the best to visualize a bit this text.
